"Law & Order: SVU" star Mariska Hargitay is sharing a heartbreaking personal story about sexual violence.
In a new essay for People, Hargitay revealed that in her 30s, she was raped by someone she had considered a friend, writing that "It wasn’t sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overpowering control."
"He was a friend. Then he wasn’t," she continued. "I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified. I didn’t want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent. I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body."
Hargitay also wrote that she "couldn’t process it. I couldn’t believe that it happened. That it could happen. So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative. I now have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive."
'LAW & ORDER: SVU' STAR MARISKA HARGITAY EXPLAINS WHY CRIME SHOWS ARE ‘ACTUALLY CALMING'
The 59-year-old explained that for a long time, she tried to cope with the experience through her work with Joyful Heart, an organization she founded to help survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse. She recalled giving speeches but saying she was not a survivor because "it wasn’t how I thought of myself."
She also admitted she downplayed the experience to everyone around her, including her husband, Peter Hermann.
However, with time and support from others, Hargitay said she began to have her own "reckoning."
"Now I’m able to see clearly what was done to me. I understand the neurobiology of trauma. Trauma fractures our mind and our memory. The way a mirror fractures."
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT NEWSLETTER
Hargitay has played Captain Olivia Benson on "Law & Order: SVU" for over 25 years. On the show, Benson is dedicated to helping victims of special crimes, including many victims of sexual assault, not unlike what Hargitay experienced herself.
"Survivors who’ve watched the show have told me I’ve helped them and given them strength. But they’re the ones who’ve been a source of strength for me," she wrote.
"They’ve experienced darkness and cruelty, an utter disregard for another human being, and they’ve done what they needed to survive. For some, that means making Olivia Benson a big part of their lives — which is an honor beyond measure — for others, it means building a foundation. We’re strong, and we find a way through."
As her 60th birthday approaches, Hargitay hopes to significantly change the way people talk about and to victims of sexual violence.
LIKE WHAT YOU’RE READING? CLICK HERE FOR MORE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
"I said for a long time that my hope was for people to be able to talk about sexual assault the same way they now talk about cancer. Tell someone you’ve survived cancer, and you’re celebrated. I want the same response for sexual assault survivors. I want no shame with the victim. The shame of the act belongs with the perpetrator: they’re the ones who committed the heinous, shameful act," she wrote.
The mother of three is also aiming for change in the "power structures" that "allow it to happen," and notes that justice will look different for different survivors.
In her case, Hargitay never names the man who she says attacked her, but writes she wants "an acknowledgment and an apology. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I raped you. I am without excuse."
Hargitay also notes that the experience is not the be all end all of who she is as a person.
She wrote, "This is a painful part of my story. The experience was horrible. But it doesn’t come close to defining me, in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me. No single part of anyone’s story defines them."
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org
